Here goes....

So it goes like this... I have one of the most wonderful joys of being a mother. My beautiful soon to be 5-yr-old is truly one of the bright rays of sunshine in my life. Naomi was born December 3, 2004 and I had the opportunity to stay at home with her until January 6th, 2005 - those weeks seemed to fly by. Our financial status screamed that I needed to go back to work, and of course, the office "needed" me - I'd been out a month and had recovered nicely from the C-Section... So Naomi was now in the hands of her more-than-capable daddy. From January to May he was attending PRC, so when he was in class, Naomi spent time at Nana's... occasionally they visited Gramma, they had a blast. I missed her incessantly. I even brought her to work a few days when I didn't have a sitter, but that wasn't very often. After Joseph Graduated, he began working with his uncle. Naomi was back and forth between Nana's and Gramma's non-stop. I know her grandparents loved this time with her, but it was killing me that I wasn't home to be with her. I pushed the longing aside... I kept moving forward... In December 2006 I gave my (2) weeks notice before getting out for Christmas and had about 3 weeks at home before starting a new Job on January 4th, 2007. Naomi was now with my mom almost 5-days a week. She'd occasionally stay at her Nana's when my mom was unavailable... Candice babysat, Tiffany kept her on her days off... Misty even kept her. Back and forth, back and forth... The Spring of 2008 my mom needed a break, so for about 5 or 6 months she was with her Nana. School was getting close, and Naomi was 3, I began looking at our options of schools and daycare, Ms. Cindy had plans on going back to work... Joseph and I enrolled her, she began school. At 3. She hated it, she loved it. She was never sure of what she thought in the mornings. We fought getting dressed and she cried when I dropped her off. About a month into it, she finally calmed down, although she had an occasional relapse of the "i dont wanna go blues". She made it through the school year, turned 4 in December of 2008, did wonderful at the end-of-the-year Program K-5 Graduation.... She learned so much attending there. Without any other firm options, we kept her in the summer program. She had about 4 weeks of "breaks" - one week they were closed for 4th of July, she went to LA with my mom... one week I asked my sister in law to keep her... the next week we went to Branson and the next week my mom wanted to bring her back to LA... And now she's into the last 3 weeks of Summer School... she'll have 1 week off and the 2009-2010 school year begins August 31st. My precious little 4 year old, for the past year has been attending school from 8am to 5pm every day. Every morning is a battle, getting her up and dressed and out the door... I just don't think it's "fair" when she already has 12 years of education ahead of her, here I am adding another 2 because I can't take the time to actually be a mother and stay at home with her. I want to be home, not having to worry about getting her up at 630/7 every morning, rushing her cause we're running late, getting her to school at 830/845 and me myself being 30-45 minutes late for work everyday because of the battles we've had to fight... my socks feel funny, I hate these shoes, this skort bothers me, I don't want to wear this, I have a wedgie, I don't want my hair fixed, I don't feel like brushing my teeth......! When our second child gets here in December I will be on Maternity Leave for at least 12 weeks. I believe I am going to let Naomi stay at home with me... Might as well learn how to juggle the two right from the get-go, right? Plus, I want to have the bonding time, bonding with both my daughter and son. I feel like Naomi's been slighted. I've been a mother, but I feel like I've failed at being Mommy the first 5 years of her life. I just can't see putting my new baby in any childcare facility. Not a new born.... not a 2 month old. Doing so, I feel would only double the hardships - paying two childcare fees? Naomi's is already between 300 and 350 a month... and a Newborn wouldn't be less than 90 a week... that's another 350-375... I mean, it makes no sense... I feel like the Lord would desire me to be more active in raising my kids - I thank the Lord for a mother and mother-in-law who was Naomi's primary caregiver 8-9 hours a day the first 3 years of her life. I don't want a childcare or daycare facility teaching my children the things I should be... I am ashamed that Naomi has learned more about God at her school than I've ever been able to instill in her between the hours of 5pm and 8am plus the weekends. I mean, at least 7-8 of those 15 hours she's sleeping, and the other 2 are spent 1/2 asleep getting ready for school and on the drive to and from school. She's at school from 8 in the morning til usually 5 in the evening... to me that's just about like sending a 4 yr old to work. Its horrible and it breaks my heart. It's like I've pawned her off on someone else because I haven't taken the time to raise her myself. It hurts my heart and I'm reeeeeeeeally tired of it. I can't imagine doing the same thing to another one of my children. I want to be a mommy. Not just a mother. I'm ready to come home. I know the Lord understands my heart cry, and I know without a shadow of a doubt that I trust in Him - He has blessed me and my husband up to this point, and I whole-heartedly believe it is just a beginning. I'm ready, Lord, for you to move mountains. I claim it as my promise, Lord, and I will praise you in advance.